Jungle

On July 31, 2024, I saw electronic duo Justice live at the Met in Philadelphia with my friend Alex. The concert was an electrifying experience, which alone made the long drive from Westchester, New York worth it. Besides the concert, we took advantage of our time in the historic city to visit sites like Reading Terminal Market, City Hall, and Pat's and Geno's Steaks. I left Philadelphia with a profound appreciation for city's rich history and vibrant culture, hoping to be able to visit again someday. However, this page is not about Philadelphia, the concert, nor even the collapse of Graffiti Pier, about which I ended up being quoted by name in the Philadelphia Inquirer. Instead, I wish to talk about somewhere we visited on the way home.

The Rainforest Cafe in Edison, New Jersey

Located in Menlo Park Mall just off of Rt 1, the Rainforest Cafe in Edison, New Jersey is known for being the lowest performing location of the already struggling restaurant chain. In 2022, the Rainforest Cafe received a brief bump in attention when two YouTubers; Eddy Burback and Ted Nivision; went on an 8000 mile roadtrip to visit every location in the US and Canada. It was these videos which inspired Alex and I's detour, to see for ourselves what the restaurant was like.

When we entered Menlo Park Mall, the quality of the restaurant we were about to visit was foreshadowed by the sad offerings of the stands occupying the corridors: bootleg Amazing Digital Circus plushies, cheap iPhone cases, and holographic posters featuring AI generated art of Bart Simpson and Rick Sanchez smoking weed. The restaurant itself was not much better, featuring all the trappings of a failing Rainforest Cafe we had expected from Burback and Nivision's videos: decaying animatronics, aquariums with no fish, and an environment which was loud and oppressive despite the stark lack of customers.

Already full from multiple cheesesteaks that day, we opted to only order drinks. Alex ordered a cocktail for the souvenir glass (you can't actually keep the glass they give you the drink in, you have to trade it in for a clean one at the gift shop). I simply ordered a sprite, since I was the one driving and couldn't drink alcohol. Despite our almost immediate eagerness to leave, I still had one mission to complete, one which we had joked about in the car until the joke became a serious commitment.

Masturbating in the Public Restroom of the Worst Rainforest Cafe in America

Yes, the paintings of monkeys on the restroom wall were there. However, they are not visible from inside the bathroom stalls, so the unsettling possibility of being stared at while you touch yourself is not a concern. The cellular connection in the bathroom was surprisingly strong, meaning I had quick and easy access to pornography on my phone. For a mission like this, you want to be in and out as quick as possible, so it's best not to rely solely on your imagination.

The lack of customers ended up being advantageous, as it meant I got a lot of time alone in there without having to worry about being heard. I believe someone came in only two times, during which I had to stop or slow my stroke to the point of being inaudible. I've never played a Five Nights at Freddy's game, but I imagine the gameplay is probably somewhat like this. Granted, we came at 3 in the afternoon, so I can't speak to how your experience may be if you go in during lunch or dinner time.

Despite the ease which came from a lack of other customers, the experience was still only as pleasant as masturbating in a rainforest cafe could be, which is to say not very. Even though I was alone most of the time, the worry that someone may come in at any minute and I would need to stop my progress still hung over me. The toilet was not a particularly comfortable seat, and the cheap toilet paper meant that even when I was finished the cleanup process was still a bit of a hassle.